I love you. I know!

Last night, Christopher came down to find me in the office watching his video I made for him for Graduation. As the baby picture scrolled across the screen, I reached over to grab his hand. I squeezed tight and said, "Oh, I'm going to miss you!" ... "I know" he said. And then the tears came.

This sweet boy of mine has been telling me this all his life. When he was very little, I would say- "Christopher, mommy loves you soooo much... and he would respond - "I know mommy!" Instead of the obligatory response.. I love you too.. he said what was in his heart. yes, mommy.. I know you love me! and I loved it. I loved having that constant affirmation. He knows he is loved!

As he got older, we had a bed time routine of reading books together, saying prayers and singing bedtime songs and then I would ALWAYS tell him, Christopher, I am so thankful God chose me to be your mom. You are the best boy and I love you so much... just the way you are.. no matter what. ... again.. he would reply- I know mommy.

As time went on, the bedtime routine literally shifted to him singing me his favorite songs and him telling me stories about the day or something he had read about. I would tell him what I always told him and at this point I added.. we are so proud of you Christopher. he would reply.. I know.

We knew early on that Christopher was very literal. He has always thought in black and white terms. Concrete facts. For this reason, he has never told a lie to us. He simply isn't capable of not telling the truth about things. Things are are they aren't in his mind. Understanding this about him at an early age was critical. It also scared me. How would he understand about his Heavenly Father? How would we teach him about God's love for him? What concrete evidence would we have to prove this to him? We brought him to church. We prayed for and with him. We brought him to youth group and eventually put him in a Christian school. We talked about God with him regularly. Christopher had a very creative mind and much of his childhood we spent most of our time talking about his characters great adventures and bringing legos and stuffed animals to life on wonderful journeys. I prayed that as time went on, he would begin to understand the difference between these "stories" and the stories I was telling him about Jesus. Even simple transitions like Santa and the Easter Bunny were very difficult discussions with him. I feared that he would connect these "lies" about stories we had told him to the stories we were telling him about Jesus. (ye of little faith! God is not a story.. He is our living HOPE! God wasn't just at work in Christopher's life.. He's been at work in all of our life!)

When we hit middle school, life became pretty difficult for Christopher and he struggled with bullying, a lack of friends and feelings of not being accepted. He withdrew which lead to loneliness and despair from all of us. This also made our discussions about God more challenging. This God that you keep telling me about wants me to feel this way? This God is allowing these mean things to happen to me? Hard conversations to have at this age.  We even had an incident where we had to rush Christopher to the ER for a nut allergy incident and as we raced to the car, he was screaming at me ... you keep telling me God has a plan for me.. is this His plan? He was listening.. but it was hard.

It is only now that I can look back and know that in our darkest hours, God was pulling us even closer to Him and reminding us that He is our light, He is our way, He is always with us. He is never leaving us. He beckoned us to him to discard what the world was saying and trust in Him.

Somewhere along the way, God put it in my heart to use music that Christopher loved so much to reach him. At that time, he especially loved Rascal Flatts. I think it was the Cars movie and "Life is a Highway" that started it. He later grew to love their hit - "My wish" and even sang it in a Talent show at school. I told him that as he listened to the lyrics to know that this is God's song to him.... these are God's wishes for your life....

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you live,I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,And you help somebody every chance you get,Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,

Later, during some of these dark times for Chris, I stumbled on another Rascal Flatts song - I Won't Let Go. I so remember crying with him as we listened to this song and I told him again... God is using Rascal Flatts to sing a song to you. This is His song to you:

It's like a storm (the world, our circumstances)That cuts a pathIt's breaks your willIt feels like that
You think your lostBut your not lost on your ownYour not alone
I will stand by youI will help you throughWhen you've done all you can doIf you can't copeI will dry your eyesI will fight your fightI will hold you tightAnd I wont let go

We continued to talk about God and faith. I continued to pray for Christopher and on many days I literally begged God to help him to see that he was loved and to feel that love. God was at work in Christopher's life and was putting so many people around him who were loving on him, opening new doors for him and slowly we were seeing our precious son begin to thrive. His love of music grew in the choir and band. His quiet gifts were put to work in the theater arts group and at church where he felt needed and accepted. His love for writing was nurtured by family and at school and all around him were people speaking Truth into his life and praying for and with him. 

This past January, Christopher attended the Passion conference along with thousands of other teens around the country. On one of these nights, I received a text at 11 pm from him. ... " i am sitting here with the music around me and I feel peace. I know that God is in this place." My son who hates crowds and hates loud places.. was sitting in a huge convention center with thousands of other kids ... and he felt the presence of God! Oh Lord.. answered prayer! Here it was, concrete evidence for him. Black and white. It is or isn't... and yes, it is! God knew that Christopher needed to have his own relationship with Him. He would find a way. 

Now here we are.. Me: I love you;  Christopher: I know.  God: Christopher Lewis, You are my child. I love you. I will never leave you. I have plans for you life.  Christopher: I know. Praise you Lord! 

Friends for Life

I knew that Christopher's Graduation would be tough for me. I knew I would be emotional and reflective and holding on tight. I planned and organized the party. I ordered invitations and food and decorated the house. I stayed up late nights looking through baby pictures and wondering where all the time went. One thing I didn't take time to think about was how Catherine would be dealing with her big brother leaving.

These two have had a special relationship from the beginning. They love each other so much. Because we lived away from family and moved ALOT when they were little, they formed a special bond. Christopher was so imaginative as a child. Legos became spaceships and animals and superheros and Catherine was mesmerized watching her brother build and bring these toys to life. Later as they grew side by side, Catherine developed a deep spirit of looking out for Chris. She always had a concern for how he was feeling and never wanted him to be unhappy or hurt in any way.

As we were down to the last few planning steps for Christopher's party, Catherine told me she wanted to make a video for him and already knew exactly the song she wanted on it. This video touched Christopher so much. He's asked me to give him a copy to bring to college and the picture of he and his "little" sis is one of the few framed pictures he will have with him at the dorm